healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.