What flavor cupcake are these
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Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos