The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My birth announcement for our third baby
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.