Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
What a year we’ve had this week.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey