[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
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me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
everyone’s a critic
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want