The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
bout dat hot dog summer
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.