I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
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“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My birthstone is kidney
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Lol
That de-escalated quickly
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room