Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
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What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
WWE is French for “yes”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.