Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
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Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Batman v Dracula
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
How funny!
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.