breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
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“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
me
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe