piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.