I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.