Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay