Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”