me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
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Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.