*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.