I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.