Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside