printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
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Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Who did it better?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life