[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
jesus christ confetti not now
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend