cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
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Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Just parrot things
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist