You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
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Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron