My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
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While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Discuss
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.