Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
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Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I’m listening
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”