Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
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3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
This guy’s not having it 😆
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.