Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
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“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…