“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
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Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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5
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90Me: Nailed it.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round