fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.