It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
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HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Happy thanksgiving
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”