WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
want me to check your oil?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
bought wrong eggs
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.