ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.