Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.