*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I am crying
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.