Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
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[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”