I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I thought this was funny lol
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
fair
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?