MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
You Might Also Like
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever