Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
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I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
and now we wait
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*