When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Ummm
I’m giving up for Lent.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.