toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
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[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I just ran a .003048K
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
😂😂
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.