The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
getting corrected
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going