me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
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There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Bartenders are just boneless bars
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
lol
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.