me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*