DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
You Might Also Like
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.