The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
You Might Also Like
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Twitter fine art
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish