{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget