When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
That’s it.I’m out.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain