“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
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Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I want what they have
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
waiting for halloween be like:
And bowling should be called pinball
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.