my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
You Might Also Like
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Blew my mind.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
two people or more is called a problem
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Just so funny
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝