Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
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ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza