Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.